How You Can Help Your Child Feel Better About Himself and Raise Your Child's Self Esteem

Data in educational research shows a strong correlation between positive self concept and success. This applies to everything from learning how to read to success in business and other aspects of adult life. The better we feel about ourselves, the better we do at everything. It’s kind of like that little train in the children’s story, The Little Engine That Could. You know the one where the little train is chugging along and comes to a big hill. Bigger and more able trains couldn’t go up because they didn’t believe they could. The little train comes along saying, “I think I can, I think I can.” And, of course, he does! I think about this story a great deal and I know that in itself is odd. But I think that when we believe we can do something, the odds of success are greatly increased. It would be difficult to find a teacher who will not attest to the fact that the confident kids are the ones who succeed. Kids who can visualize their own success are able to achieve their goals.

Teachers alone cannot teach your child how to feel good about herself. A good teacher can help. A bad teacher can definitely hurt. But even the best teacher needs the support of a parent to really do this important job. Teachers deal with many kids at one time. There are many constraints on their time to teach basic skills, especially those measured on standardized tests. Self-esteem is, at best, a small part of any curriculum. This is one lesson your child definitely needs to learn from you. No one is better qualified.

And school is a place where your child encounters so many people of different personality types. Some are more nurturing than others. Competition at school often does not lead to enriched self-esteem. For many children, school really jeopardizes their self-image. You need to compensate for this at home.

The competition at school is not always a bad thing. In fact, self-esteem is largely dependent on learning how to lose as well as how to win. So much of our lives in based on winning and this is strange because we probably lose more competitions than we win. How many times are each of us the best at what we do? Life, and particularly school, offers so many opportunities to lose. We have science fairs, spelling bees, tests, school play auditions, cheerleader tryouts, sports team cuts, sports competitions, choir auditions, gym class., art contests, poetry contests, debates – and the list goes on and one. Kids are constantly faced with losing, as are adults. Yes, we’re all losers, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The problem is not losing, it’s that we equate losing with failure.

Thank about it, when your child comes home from playing a softball or soccer game, what’s the first thing you ask, “Did you win?” Not “Did you have a good time?” or “How was the game?” It’s not your fault. We’re all focused on this narrow concept of winning. Our society worships winners. Sports winner are our heroes. Huge audiences tune in to award shows. Advertisers pay enormous sums of money to have their products endorsed by society’s winners. When was the last time you saw a noted loser selling shaving cream or athletic shoes? That is not something you’re likely to see often. Perhaps society would benefit from putting upon a pedestal someone who tried and failed. We could all learn a great deal from watching someone who loses with grace.

We have to learn to lose. We have to learn so we can teach this skill to our children. Fear of losing, in the long run, diminishes creativity and drive. Many of us won’t try something new because the fear of losing paralyzes us. Learning to lose is not just about good sportsmanship, although that is important. It’s about appreciating losing for what it is. It’s an experience, a part of life that teaches us a lesson and makes us stronger and more compassionate people. It’ a difficult balance. Learning to lose does not mean accepting mediocrity because losing is okay. It means still giving something your best shot, but after the fact, accepting losing as being equally as valuable as winning. W.C. Fields said, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.”

Teach this to your child by your example. Play games to win sometimes and don’t always let him win to soften the blow of losing. When you do lose at something, whether it’s a game or a real-life experience, share the experience with your child. Tell him about how losing made you feel and how you coped with it. Show him how you didn’t just try once and give up but persevered for a reasonable amount of time. Then discuss how to know when to quit. Self-esteem is greatly tied up with being able to win and lose equally well.

Watching how you deal with adversity will teach your child ho to do it too. If you encounter an obstacle and you show your child that the problem is temporary and can be handled, she will adopt a more positive attitude about life. For example, you did not get the promotion you worked hard for. Do you tell your child you thoughts about how you never get anything you really want, or you were passed over because you are the wrong sex or race? There are pessimistic views of life. This reasoning suggests that the problem is permanent and unchangeable. Whereas if you share with your child your feelings of disappointment but tell her that perhaps you could work harder next time or you could be more vocal and visible at work, she learns that all hope is not lost. She learns that when faced with adversity you look for ways to improve your situation. You show her that you believe that problems are temporary and can be handled.

A parent shared a story with me about her own teen years. She explained hat she did not feel popular enough in high school and believed the reason was that she was very short. Because this was her belief, it was easy for her to give up trying to find out what it was about her that was really turning people off. She believed that her problem was permanent and unchangeable. Perhaps if she had been a more optimistic thinker, with higher self-esteem, she would have been able to look at herself more objectively and search for something she could change about herself to make herself more likeable. Maybe she would have tried to reach out more to help other kids to get to know her enough to like her for who she actually was. Instead she opted for the negative view that there was nothing she could do. Now she is a parent with a son who is less than average height. She wants to teach him to handle his lack of friends better than she did. I advised her to examine the way she handles adversity today and to focus on reason for problems that are temporary and can be changed. I encouraged her to help her son look for a reason for his unpopularity that was within his control so that he could do something about it. If he believes that his height is an obstacle, it will be. If he thinks that maybe he acts obnoxious sometimes and that’s why other kids don’t flock to him, he can acknowledge this behavior in himself and change it. His mother needs to approach life with a more positive attitude if she is going to be able to teach her son to do the same. She must be his model of how to deal with challenges and bad times. She needs to talk to him about how people can be cruel when it comes to accepting differences in appearance. He needs to know it’s their weakness, not his. This change in attitude and in handling of problems will improve her self-esteem as well as her son’s.

There’s no wrong time to work on self-esteem and it’s never too late to start. Most of us can use a boost at any time of day. Over dinner, before bed, while driving in the car – opportunities are always there to encourage communication with your child and exploration of feelings of worth. Talk about things you and your child like to do. Explore some of your similarities and differences. Tell her the things that make you proud of yourself and of her.

In our house we hold a yearly awards assembly. This started when our daughter came home from school one year upset because she had not won any awards at the school assembly. The awards were given for perfect attendance (she had been absent once so she didn’t win that one), physical fitness (she didn’t do the most sit ups so she didn’t win that one) and helping at the library (she’d rather play at recess so she didn’t win that one either). Needless to say, she was devastated and it was painful to witness. In addition, this truly wonderful child left school that day thinking she was worthless and not exceptional in any way.

Immediate action was necessary. The next day I created certificates that said things like “Cheerfulness Award,” “Responsibility Ribbon” and “Super Sensitivity.” After dinner we gathered the family together, announcing the first-ever family awards assembly. With great fanfare we announced the awards and handed out the certificates. We even hummed Pomp and Circumstance to add an aura of gravitas. We had a great time and were amazed by how much this meant to the kids. Everyone won something, based on something they truly did or genuinely were. They all believed that the awards were authentic, and in fact they were. We acknowledged real aspects of their personalities and their lives that we admired. Joy and pride showed in every face. I gave awards to my husband and myself because, after all, these were the family awards and we were deserving members of the family.

The family awards assembly became an annual event. Our daughters look forward to it and even ask about it in the spring as the end of the school year approaches. Something that started simply to cheer up a distraught child has become one of our greatest joys. I recommend this highly. It makes everyone feel good. The award ribbons and certificates from that first year hung on doors and mirrors for many years to follow. School awards hit the trash pretty quickly but the Cheerfulness award hangs on!

If you'd like to read more practical parenting advice, please consider checking out my parenting book Raising Amazing Children (...While Having a Life of Your Own) or you can also order it on Kindle at a reduced rate. It's easy and fun to read and it will help you learn how to be a parent AND have a life of your own. What more could you ask?